Ok, things are just getting too interesting and too amusing not to write about. Given today's announcement of Sarah Palin as McCain's running mate, I thought I'd post a couple skits about how I imagine the selections for VP going in these past 2 weeks...
SCENE I - OBAMA'S WAR ROOM
DATE - Friday, August 22, 2008
LOCATION - Paris Hilton (The Building owned by the Hilton Corporation located in Paris, France...YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK) Presidential Suite
CAST
BARACK OBAMA - "The Celebrity, The Anointed One, The Prettiest Man to Run for
President Since Slick Willie" OBAAAAAAAMA!!
MICHELLE OBAMA - Barack's wife and the World Record holder for most weight bench
pressed by a candidate for First Lady
MALIA ANN OBAMA - Barack and Michelle's older daughter
NATASHA "Sasha" OBAMA - Barack and Michelle's younger daughter and speaker of the
quote, "HI DADDY!"
HOWARD DEAN - Democratic Party Chairman, AKA - Booyah Boy
BILL CLINTON - Former President of the United States
HILLARY CLINTON - The Bitterest Woman on Earth
NANCY PELOSI - House Speaker
BARACK - Who do the people say that I am?
MICHELLE - Some say John the Baptist, some say the next president, and still others say the reincarnation of Martin Luther King, Jr. and JFK rolled into one.
BARACK - But who do you say that I am?
NO NO NO... CUT, we can't do that. People, let's keep some perspective here, he's just a man running for President. All you need to qualify for that is to be over 35 years old and be born in the United States. Let's take it back to the beginning, start over, think about what you're saying folks and keep things in perspective... Ok, ACTION!
BARACK - So... what do the opinion polls say about me?
BILL - They say you're too young and too inexperienced you putz! My wife should have won, I should be back in the White House! Do you know what it's like for me in the regular world?! There are no interns out there!! And I'm sure not going to look at this woman for another 4 years! Look what the surgeon's did! She looks like a painted clown at a drive through window! You should make her your running mate and let me back in the White House is what you should do!!
HILLARY - YES! If you make me your running mate, all my supporters will fall in line behind you! (speaking of which, you should probably look behind you for people trying to club you with a frying pan so I can step into the top spot). But really, it's your only hope of getting my supporters to like you! Otherwise I'll tell them to vote for that pasty white fossil, McCain, so he can retire in 4 years and I can win the next election! You jerk, you should have quit this election when I had a 1-delegate lead like I told you, NOW MAKE ME YOUR VP!!
PELOSI - Bite me Hillary! You lost and I'm the most powerful woman in Washington now and it's going to stay that way! You'll be his running mate only over my dead body!
BILL - We can arrange that Nancy, we've done it before with people who've gotten in our way. Besides, you're not hot, I have no purpose for you.
PELOSI - Oh, you eat it too Bill! And stop staring at Michelle like that, you're creeping me out! Now think people, who is going to be the best running mate to balance Barack's complete lack of experience, qualifications, and the fact that he's younger than 60% of registered voters?
DEAN - What about McCain as his running mate? He's old, experienced, knows the military and has negotiated with foreign governments before. BOOYAH!
BARACK - Howard, he's my OPPONENT... we are trying to think of a running mate for me.
DEAN - Oh right, I get dizzy sometimes. I need to sit down. BOOYAH!
MALIA ANN - Hey dad, isn't Joe Biden the head of the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations? What about him?
BARACK - Yes, Malia, he is the head of the Foreign Relations committee but he said I can't get on-the-job training as President and once said he'd be honored to run WITH McCain.
SASHA - HI DADDY!
DEAN - But still, Biden might be our best choice. He's older, he has been in government since before you were born so he has tons of experience, his greatest experience is in foreign relations as your daughter said and that's where the Republicans are criticizing you most, and he almost sort of looks like McCain so maybe we can steal some of McCain's supporters that way - those old voters are confused easily, they could mistake Biden for McCain. He's the anti-YOU and he's everything you're missing! BOOYAH!
BARACK - Hmm, perhaps you're right. Apparently you do think better when you're sitting down and not getting dizzy. I could use an adviser like you Dean. Ok, Michelle, what do you think?
MICHELLE - I think he's right. You need to pick a running mate who makes up for all the glaring deficiencies you have and hope the American people are too dim-witted to notice that the VP doesn't really do anything... well, except Cheney, who seems to be wearing W as a hand-puppet. Wow, this is all so surreal. I feel proud of America for the first time in my adult life and I mean that in the least offensive way possible.
BARACK - Ok, it's done! I'm choosing Joe Biden as my running mate! Obama-Biden '08!... oh wait, does that sound even more like Osama Bin Laden than before?
EVERYONE IN UNISON - NO!! BLASPHEMY!
DEAN - BOOYAH!!
BARACK - Ok, get him on the phone, hopefully he won't call me an inexperienced hack with a pretty smile and no substance.
FADE TO BLA... oh would that be racist? hmm... FADE TO WHI... oh wait, McCain's white, can't do that either... ok, ok... do a star swipe! And it will help bolster his celebrity image.
THE END
Tune in soon for a scene from McCain's War Room. Until next time, you stay classy San Diego!
